Well... Fuck!
So I had a big ol' post planned. Started writing it. But then I lost all of it. I seriously thought it would be my best work yet. Now that's not saying much, I'll admit. But it was going to be something every metal head, and likely others, needed to hear. I'll regroup and get back to it at some point. But tonight, I'm just going to ramble and tell my three readers what I have been up to.
Sorry... Lame! I know.
First of all I had given up on this week. I realized however, that it isn't fair to myself. To just give up for any reason. A minor inconvenience. No! A man, or woman, must keep plugging along.
I listen to primarily metal. A huge part of the metal scene is perseverance. The idea that you feel alone most days, that the world is working against you, but you're not going to quit. If that's who I am I can't just give up right?
Another huge factor in me writing this is that, for the first time in a long time, I have been given hope by the metal community. Today alone I have had multiple interactions with fellow metal heads that disagreed with me, but were civil and respectful about it. It's rare, but level headed metal heads do exist.
Full disclosure I am "lost count" beers in tonight.
Any how. Part of the reason I lost that post, was because I was being a huge fucking dick to my wife. (first and last time that will ever be said about me) Ok. It was likely the entire reason I lost it. I won't give details, but let's just say I was wrong. As in really wrong. As in reason for divorce if she so desired wrong. I knew it as well as she did.
This is where music comes in. I did what I always do when I'm angry, sad, happy... Ok I did what I always do. I listened to metal.
There is a local deathcore band (don't let that scare you off, this song is for everyone) named Dispositions. They released a song called For You (link in my Best of 2019). It hit home and it did so hard in that moment.
If you have read any number of my previous posts you know I am advocate for the power of music. That night it was proof in action.
I am not at all a macho man. I wear my heart on my sleeve for sure. But I do have a realistic and rational veiw on things that makes me seem a bit.... umm... rough around the edges. Some would say cold and uncaring. I have a tendency to be the worst sort of person at the worst possible time.
That night however, I cried, I cried a lot. Not because I thought I was being irrational, or because I thought my perspective was wrong. I wasn't entirely wrong. But I was. Because I realized my opinion on the circumstances meant nothing. Because I had let pride get in my way. Because I allowed myself to hold someone else to a standard I wouldn't expect of myself.
For You hit me like a train steaming at full speed.
You may say this is some voodoo bullshit, or juvenile, or listen to the song and say that it was written to the writers child (true). But that doesn't matter to me. It centered me, it put things in perspective, it made me realize I was wrong.
In four minutes, a song that isn't even directly related to the situation, but just close enough, made me think. Made me realize I was wrong. It made me realize I needed to correct the situation, and continue to do so in the future.
In the end I think it's a testament to music and it's power. I don't know that any other form of media could have affected me that way, that quickly. If a TV show were to do so I would still be in the mid stages of realization. A book? The same. Beyond media. A talk with a friend? I thought I was right. Do you really think I was going to call a friend and ask for advice? Fuck no.
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